Back at Work

In case you didn't guess this already I am back at work full-time! And wow, can you say "busy"? Thank god Christopher is cooperating and not kicking up a fuss every morning when I leave for the day and in today's case for a week.

It's a whole new world of organization and exhaustion being a FT working mom. I am very fortunate to have lots of help here at the house. More on that another time.

Off to LAX for the week...I have to admit that even though I will miss the little guy A LOT, I am very much looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning!

Ciao!

A Little Out of Touch

Okay so I have no excuse really for not having posted for the last um, month. Fact is I just didn't realize that it's been that long! So much for becoming an interesting blog...

Well, let's see what can I tell you?

Christopher is growing like a weed. He's almost 19lbs at nearly 5 months of age. Yes, that's right it's been 5 months more or less since he arrived on the scene and I am more in love today than ever before. You see, his little personality is starting to show. He's super cute and giggly 90% of the time with a developing love of talking. Ever time I turn around he is trying to get my attention by vocalizing something or other - it's very sweet. In other developments, Christopher is rolling over; I call it 'canoodling' and he loves to canoodle. So much so that I can't leave him alone on the floor for more than a minute or two or he rolls away! It won't be too much longer before he is trying to walk. He loves to 'stand' and tries to walk when I put him in the Jolly Jumper. Did I mention solids yet? We started a little taste of rice cereal 2 weeks ago & so far he loves it...carrots are next but not for another few weeks. Who knew that learning to eat was such a process?

You may remember that I waxed on (too much so in retrospect) about the lack of sleep in this house. Well I am happy to report that we are all getting a good nights' sleep more nights than not. Yep, I have successfully sleep trained Christopher to fall asleep. This means that if he does wake in the middle of the night that I no longer need to help him back to sleep! He can do it all by himself. YEAH! Love me that 8 hours straight of sleep!

A good friend of mine asked me if I had developed any hobbies while at home. At the time I couldn't imagine how I could possibly find the time for a hobby. A couple of months have since passed and now I would gladly say that yes I have developed at least one hobby - baking. Or at least I am trying to learn how to bake. Cookies are a no-brainer as is banana bread and the odd muffin. But what I am really hoping to master is bread! I love fresh, home made bread. Suffice to say that everyone says that bread is 'easy'. Well it's 'easy' for everyone but me. My first batch was terrible. The second try was a bit better but still not great and that's as far as I've gotten. We'll see what happens next week. I am going to go for a third batch, fingers crossed.

Okay, so we're all updated now. Except for one last bit of news - I am going back to work. Yep, I'll be returning to work in September. I am very happy about this and I think that it will help me be a better mother. Fact is, as much as I am in love with my son & get a real thrill out of watching him grow and develop, I am bored stiff most days. I need more than this. So...it's off to work I go!

Ciao for now & I promise, it won't be another month before the next post.

Road Trip

I love a good road trip...apparently so does Christopher. We successfully went to Seattle for the weekend - two nights in a hotel, three days of driving, shopping and a very messed up routine!

Shopping therapy works wonders for the slightly bored, stay at home mom. I found it especially cathartic this time around. There is something about the whole ritual of searching for a given item, finding it and then acquiring it! I suppose some might find shopping a completely mundane, shallow past time but I say pooh! Having said that I also realized that pre-baby, I spent a lot of time shopping. Read this as acknowledgement that I spent too much time shopping. A little time every now and then is innocent, nay it's likely necessary (we all need to buy things like groceries, clothes and SHOES!) but not every day. I'll use my profession and my excuse for being tempted to shop daily!

Well other than the therapy I also spent some serious quality time with Nancy, my cousin-in-law. I am certain that Christopher is in love with her, I suppose it could be the funny German lullaby's or maybe it's that Nancy is in love with him. Whatever it is, we three got on great and I look forward to another road trip in the fall!

Feeling Productive...again

Everyone has some method for telling themselves whether or not it's been a "good day". For me I've had a good day when lots of things have 'gotten done'; we spoke about my never ending lists of things to 'get done' a few months ago, perhaps you remember my confessions on this topic. Well today was a really good day. The little guy and I got lots of things done, together and separately.

Christopher spent lots of time on his tummy today! While you and I may not truly appreciate how important this is, he really needs to this for his development. His little arms and neck need this daily workout for muscle development as well as learning the motor skills to eventually crawl and pull himself up. He also spent time learning to hold onto his favorite toy - Mr. Octopus. I'm telling you this toy is like baby crack...he sees it and the giggles, oohs and aaahs are none stop. It's really very adorable and make me laugh every time.

My list of things include mundane little things like laundry (which I now do at least 4 times a week) & making granola as well as big projects such as organizing & sorting thru multiple boxes of what is left of my mom's & uncle's belongings. It's amazing really, the whole process of tidying up the leftover's from an other's life. I spent the rest of the day looking at all of the 'stuff' that I own and am left to wonder 'why?'. Why exactly do I own all of the little knick-knacky sorts of things & who will be burdened with sorting thru it all when I pass away?

Perhaps it's a sign that I need to go through it all and free selected items to cheer others while I enjoy the calm that comes with an uncluttered space and sense of accomplishment for having completed one of my tasks!

Something to Say

Yes I know it's been almost a month since my last post but frankly, I haven't had much new to share. I think it's rather dull to post on the same things every day or even weekly. You are all already aware of the struggles regarding sleep, routine and my own personal identity crisis. BUT...

I have something new to share. Christopher is developing quite the little personality. He loves to 'talk' now and is becoming somewhat attached to certain toys. I wanted to load a video but the file is too big...! If you want to see it, email me and I'll forward the zip file to you.

Another development is that I am starting to enjoy my time with the little guy. I had a feeling that once he became a little more interactive and responsive that this would happen. It also helps that we are all getting more sleep the past few weeks...this is thanks to Michael. Daddy is now the king of getting Christopher down at night for more than 2 or 3 hours in a row. In speaking with other new moms I am quite fortunate that Michael helps out as much as he does. Some of the women that I've met are doing literally everything at home & taking care of their infants on their own. OMG, I feel for them!

Enjoy!

Sleep

As you all know I have been obsessed with sleep or rather the unpredictable nature of Christopher's sleep patterns. This has lead me to have an unpredictable sleep pattern, more like a non-existent sleep pattern as on no sleep.

I am happy to report that for now it seems that we have established a regular bedtime for the little guy! YEAH! WOOT, WOOT! Tonight marks the 3rd night in a row that we begin the bedtime routine around 7:15pm to 7:30pm and he is sound asleep by 8:00pm, maybe 8:30pm & get this - he has been sleeping for up to 6 hours in a row!...did I mention that he is also now sleeping in his very own bedroom? Yes, we made the leap two nights ago & let me tell you, it's made a world of difference for me. No more listening to his nightly grunts & snoring, wondering "is he awake, do I need to feed him?" This is important in that half the time, I did not need to feed him & only succeeded in waking him up!

So, how was this momentous feat accomplished? Routine, Routine, Routine & determination & patience. But really it's the consistency that helps set him up for sleep. We just need to stay vigilant over the next period of time to ensure that the behaviour is really set, if we mess up even one or two nights and all could be lost. Next step...daytime naps!

The benefit of this newly developed sleep pattern? Michael & I get to spend time doing something other than taking care of Christopher. Some may find that a callous statement but the truth is that one cannot be happy and balanced if all one does is tend to baby's needs. We need time for ourselves & time together, even if all that is is sitting quietly on the sofa in the same room together. Tonight however, I am off to bed early...I want to enjoy my potential sleep of 6 hours back to back!

Family

Christopher and I have just returned from a visit to Toronto. We were there to visit with Michael's family...his sisters and their fabulous spouses and kid's as well as his parents.

Let me just say this, Michael has a really great family. I think that I am one of the few people who will openly and enthusiastically say that I love my in-laws.

Hilde, now known as "Oma" deserves saint status - She has taught me more about being patient with the little guy than I ever thought possible. Oma has the "magic" touch when it comes to babies. Like my father (grandpa), no matter what was going on with Christopher she simply cuddled, coo'd and rocked him until the gas pain passed or he decided that he'd said his piece and was done for the time being.

Michael has twin sisters - Mary & Susie. They both have 2 children, much older than Christopher. They are both wonderful with children; patient, supportive, understanding and I think most importantly, non-judgmental...just very even keeled or least this is the energy that I see when I'm with them.

I can only hope that I grow into this role in a similar fashion. I want to be patient and even keeled and supportive and non-judgemental and loving in a way that allows my son to become a whole person.

Time Passes Quickly

It's been a number of days since I lasted posted and what can I say? Time moves in two dimensions when you have a 7 week old to care for.

The first dimension is the "oh my god will this day never end?" dimension. It's generally filled with frustration and confusion for both you and your newborn. Often times this type of day is organized around bouts of inconsolable crying (both you & your child), gas...especially the little guy but potentially you too and praying for snippets of peace and sleep.

The second dimension is the " geez, where did the day go?" dimension. This is my favorite. It's got all sorts of great stuff to distract both you and the babe. Quiet moments of smiles, even a giggle, getting ready to go out, going out...coming home, taking baths (the dude that is not me! the day does not have enough hours for that!) and lastly, enjoying a meal with the hubby. Maybe if you're really lucky, you get a few minutes all to yourself!

If I discover a third time dimension I'll be sure to let you know about it!

Routine Returns to Parker Street

Ahh...I love routines.

They make me feel as though something is being accomplished. Predictability is very reassuring for many of us. No wonder I ended up in a career that relies on repeated operational routines!

Christopher has finally fallen into some semblance of a daily routine. Here it is...

~ 4:30am or so it's a big feed! He loves his boobie at this time of morning, sadly this is the time of morning when mommy is crankiest! He falls back asleep by about 5:00am or maybe 5:15am.
~ 7:00am it's time to get up! more boobie and now Christopher is AWAKE until at least 10:00am...often until 11:00am. He is a morning person just like his mommie!
~ Most days he now naps from between 10:00am and 11:00am until 1:00pm or sometimes even 2:00pm. If he is in the stroller and we're out and about, he sleeps soundly and I can get a few things done - think laundry, lunch, general tiding up or quick errands out and about.
~ 2:00pm at the latest and it's time for more boobie! This feed is often quite big! And now he is generally awake until 6:00pm. He does catch a few little cat-naps of 20 mins or so but frankly, he doesn't like to take this nap & if he does, wow is he ever CRANKY when he wakes up...just in time for daddy to come home and think that his son never does anything other than cry!
~ Between 6:00pm and 7:00pm Christopher begins his "night-time" routine. A little more boobie and then he sleeps until 9:30pm or even 10:00pm if we're lucky.
~ The next waking is at about 11:30pm or 12:00am and it's usually pretty short, more like a little snack on the boob & usually right back to sleep!
~ and before you know it, it's 4:30am and we start it all over again!

So there it is. We're still eagerly awaiting the "sleep through the night" bit where Christopher will sleep for a whole 5 or 6 hours straight. If we're lucky, this will happen over the next 2 or 3 weeks. Keep in mind, he is now between 5 and 6 weeks old! Six weeks is the magic age where his biological systems will become more like ours...this means that he'll stop confusing day with night and will be physiologically capable of sleeping longer without feeding.

Did I mention that my son is BIG! He is already weighing at 12lbs, this is 90th percentile! More on that in my next post!

You Should Just Enjoy It

The most common comment that I get these days from various sources is that I should 'just enjoy this time with my baby'.Hmmm...Yes I should at least try to enjoy these early weeks with the little guy. I know that these days are slipping by quickly & that before I know it Christopher will be going off to preschool and these special days will be lost forever.

The deal though is that these 'special' days & weeks are coloured by a complete lack of sleep, utter exhaustion actually. It's this exhaustion that makes it very difficult to enjoy much of anything, let alone all the moments I have with Christopher. For a day or two I was feeling guilty about this lack of enjoyment for motherhood. Not anymore. I now understand that my feelings of frustration are completely normal, this is not a reflection of my ability or my dedication to being a great mom.

The days after Christopher (and thus me) sleeps well I LOVE being with him. Who wouldn't love looking into his beautiful, smiling face! On that note, Christopher is starting to develop a few little tricks. He can hold his head up for short periods of time, when he is on his tummy he can lift his head up & do little, tiny push-ups...too cute! And blissfully, Christopher is starting to smile for the sake of smiling rather than due to passing gas! Not to mention that last night he slept for 3 hours at a time! This is real progress!

Fingers crossed that we continue to progress in the sleep department! I am very much looking forward to days when Christopher is a little more interactive & responsive to the various things around him...I am much better when the conversation is not just one sided!

Dinner Out...

I now realize all of the little things that I used to take for granted...in no particular order:

1. Dinner out - at friends or a restaurant. We used to go to restaurants a lot. I look forward to all of the money we'll save!

2. A nice big glass of wine. A small glass of scotch or maybe a Manhattan.

3. Leisurely mornings with the news, a cup of coffee & the duvet pulled up high.

4. Last minute plans, for anything.

5. Quiet time with Michael. Snuggling in bed for hours.

6. Going to see a movie.

7. My breasts belonging to me.

8. Time to procrastinate all those little projects.

9. Quiet time to myself.

10. Reading anything not related to babies.

Sure, there are likely many more but these are top of mind today.

I know that as Christopher grows and starts to develop/show his personality that I will discover new things that will bring great pleasure & will fall into the "taken for granted" category. I look forward to it and to sharing that list with you too!

Grandparents Make A Difference

Grandpa spent the day with us today.

You know, I really did not understand the role grandparents can play in your and your child's life until I saw my dad with my son today. He was great & really all he did was cuddle and coo at the little guy but wow, it sure made a difference for me and my mental health, not to mention that Christopher was basking in the love being showered upon him.

I really enjoyed listening to my dad talk to Christopher all day...little private conversations, cooing and general baby talk. Really I had no idea how good my dad could be with a baby! He is also quite a wealth of information about calming a fussy baby & burping! Both topics that we've struggled with for the past few days.

Suffice to say that I'm thrilled that grandpa is eager to come over at least one day a week to hang with Christopher and me!

See you next week dad!
Can't wait for Oma to get here on the 8th...two whole weeks of grandparent help!

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back?

It's really very confounding. One night is great, the next day is a disaster. I guess I am still trying to cling to some semblance of routine and, well, newborns just are not wired that way.

Growth spurt day today...I wonder how long it will last for this time. He's been on the boobie every hour all day. The girls are about to go on strike because of it. The real drag? I have not been able to pump today because the little leach has been attached to me most of the day.

Serious nap time after dinner - it's only the second time that we've ordered in since coming home from the hospital. Not bad really - we ate take-out and in restaurants way more than that be fore Christopher.

It's a bit of a ramble but that's how I feel today.

Adjusting

Christopher will be 3 weeks old tomorrow.

It's been 3 weeks of adjustment for all of us. He's new to the whole world, I'm new to mommydom & how utterly dependant he is on me and Michael is figuring out his role in all of this as well.

When I decided that I wanted to have a child, I forgot that that meant that I would become a 'mom' & really had not a clue of what that role change would truly entail. Frankly, I did not believe what my 'mom' friends said about being a mom. And being the egoist that I am, I assumed that regardless of anyone else's experience, that I would be able to do 'it' better & with the usual ease that I take on new projects and roles.

Ha! How wrong I was! I realize that it's only been 3 weeks and that all of my thoughts & emotions are coloured by lack of sleep (mind you, we did get 4 hours straight last night!), raging horomones and not least of all a slight idenity crisis but this new role is the hardest thing I have ever done. Really. Becoming a mom is not a project, it's a life change.

So what makes it so hard? It's not the tasks themselves...breast feeding, changing diapers & onesies, doing laundry, cuddling baby are all relatively easy things to do. It's hard because it's so unpredictable. For example, you change one diaper, he pees all over himself while you're doing that and now you've got to change the onesie...you run upstairs with the naked little dude, get him into a clean, dry onesie and whoops, now he's puked all over the new one. You get that one changed and guess what, now he needs to be fed...out comes the boob for 20 or 30 minutes, change the diaper again, pray that when he spits up that he misses himself and gets it on the burpy towel...nope he's puked all over you, now you have to get changed...you get the picture.

I now understand why it takes parents 2 hours to get ready to go out for 2 hour excursion! You know, this is not 'hard' at all. It's simply exhausting - you are not in control, your time is no longer yours, you are at the complete mercy of the little dude. For me, a true type 'A' personality it's the lack of control that is hard.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally in love with the little dude. I am however looking forward to the days when he is more than just a breast suckling, diaper dirtying, sleeping, crying machine - there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Christopher is 3 weeks old tomorrow. That means that we're half way through the roughest of the adjustment period...my reward? Christopher is starting focus on my face when he looks at me & he is often smiling when he does look at me, that just melts my heart.

Light at The End of The Tunnel?

It's been 3 nights now that mr night time / fussy time has actually slept somewhat decently; solid 2 to 3 hour stretches, last night he even did this in his bassinet. Ahh...I take solace in the smallest victories!

Thanks to those of you who offered words of wisdom and encouragement. Just knowing that virtually every parent - specifically new mom, out there has been through this same (more or less) experience really made a difference for me. Taking a 3 hour nap after dinner while Christopher gets in some quality daddy time has also made a world of difference too!

We'll see what today brings.

How Little Sleep Can You Function On?

Sleep. A commodity that is in high demand & little supply around this house these days.

The thought of 8 hours of sound, uninterrupted sleep consumes me; really it's all I think about. How can I get more sleep?

One solution we've come up with is to have Christopher sleep with me, generally on the boob at first and then just snuggled up to me. I am sure that he is getting a great sleep! Me, not so much.

Yes, I am no longer getting up 4 or 5 times a night. I am actually dosing off and on for a straight 5 or 6 hours but it's not that good quality, deep sleep that my body is craving! It also means that Michael has moved to the extra bedroom...lucky guy. Eight hours, uninterrupted in a cool & dark room. The other hurdle is that I am terrified that I might roll over on Christopher or pull the duvet up too high and smother the poor little guy!

For now, I am functioning on perhaps 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day. We'll see how long that will last for. Hopefully the little guy will start to sleep in his own bassinet soon - we'll try another little trick tonight. To get him down for a nap today, I warmed his blanket in the dryer! Seems to have worked like a charm!

Fingers crossed.

False Impressions?

I may have given off a false impression of how it's going here at Parker Street with the newest addition. Yes, Christopher was a dreamy baby for the first few days - jaundice will do that. It causes baby to sleep more, fuss less and generally be very 'easy' to take care of.

Well, I am happy to say that Christopher no longer looks like he's got a cheap fake tan!

His skin is beautiful, his disposition is much more what you would expect - fussy, unpredictable and totally demanding.

Earlier today the thought that went through my head was 'no one told me it was going to be this hard'...it's not actually difficult 'work' but it is EXHAUSTING in a manner that is indescribable.

First off consider this, you have been charged with caring for a little being who is totally helpless, you do not speak the same language & chances are that mom is the only one who can console baby - the boob is the international language of love for a baby, I am sure.

Now, add to the mix a completely disorganized system. No schedules, no interpreters, no guidebooks for your specific baby, zero sleep, hormonal rushes coursing through your system & bang - a recipe for disaster!

I'm going to go sleep it off for a bit and see what solutions I come up with in my dreams...this is the first time in over 12 hours that Christopher has fallen asleep, not on the boob.

What Have We Done?

Okay, I admit it. The last two days have been rough, really rough.

No sleep for mommy (or at least nothing meaningful), broken sleep for daddy and increasing fussiness from Christopher. There is nothing like an inconsolable newborn to make you:

1. feel completely inadequate

2. wonder what the hell you've done to your once peaceful & fulfilling lifestyle

3. become totally irrational over the smallest things

4. contemplate running away from it all and becoming a complete recluse in the Thai mountains...

Of course, all of this will pass.

I already learned that everything changes at the drop of a hat with the little guy.

My solution? I'm just going to slow-down a titch & stop trying to be superwoman.

It has only been a mere 12 days, we're all still adjusting!

If anyone out there has any coping strategies that worked well for them please feel free to pass them along! I'm interested in any advice you might have!

Off to take a short nap before the hungry little guy wakens again.

The Little Guy

Several of you have been asking me for an update on Christopher, so this post is just for him!

Overall, Christopher is a rock star. He is in fact a fairly 'easy' newborn...it's all relative mind you. I am very thankful that he is at this point not colicky or extremely fussy. Yesterday and this morning could have sent me over an edge if he was like that ever day, all day! Let's just say that I left Christopher for some good quality daddy time this afternoon & gave my self an two hour 'mental health' break!

Back to Christopher.

He's no longer jaundiced and is almost back to his birth weight. Apparently this is how we tell just about everything about his health at this point - is he gaining weight and how many diapers / what's in those diapers are the two most important questions right now! Let me assure you, the diaper department is doing just fine.

Well, it's feeding time & good news! Christopher has woken up on his own for this one...another good health sign.

It All Looks Different Now

One of the effects of having a child is that you start to see everything through different eyes. It's as though someone switched my goggles but didn't tell me that I had a new pair.

For those of you who know me well, you already know how detailed and critical I could be. Seriously, at work I was known for spotting the smallest details that weren't nailed. It drove people crazy (we can talk about that another time). Now imagine that character trait on speed. Fine for protecting said progeny, not so good for calming a new parent's mind!

We went for a walk yesterday, nothing big, just an easy stroll down to Commercial Drive and back. I now know where every marked crosswalk is, each rundown house, all the locations where people hang & openly smoke pot, each suspicious character wandering around; every single detail between here and the Drive is now thoroughly etched into my mind. We've lived in this area for 14 years, so it's not that I am not aware of the pro's and con's to the neighborhood - it's just that now it's all being filtered differently. My perception of things has changed.

I think it will be interesting to see how this new outlook colours my thoughts and most importantly, my decision making over the next year.