Adjusting

Christopher will be 3 weeks old tomorrow.

It's been 3 weeks of adjustment for all of us. He's new to the whole world, I'm new to mommydom & how utterly dependant he is on me and Michael is figuring out his role in all of this as well.

When I decided that I wanted to have a child, I forgot that that meant that I would become a 'mom' & really had not a clue of what that role change would truly entail. Frankly, I did not believe what my 'mom' friends said about being a mom. And being the egoist that I am, I assumed that regardless of anyone else's experience, that I would be able to do 'it' better & with the usual ease that I take on new projects and roles.

Ha! How wrong I was! I realize that it's only been 3 weeks and that all of my thoughts & emotions are coloured by lack of sleep (mind you, we did get 4 hours straight last night!), raging horomones and not least of all a slight idenity crisis but this new role is the hardest thing I have ever done. Really. Becoming a mom is not a project, it's a life change.

So what makes it so hard? It's not the tasks themselves...breast feeding, changing diapers & onesies, doing laundry, cuddling baby are all relatively easy things to do. It's hard because it's so unpredictable. For example, you change one diaper, he pees all over himself while you're doing that and now you've got to change the onesie...you run upstairs with the naked little dude, get him into a clean, dry onesie and whoops, now he's puked all over the new one. You get that one changed and guess what, now he needs to be fed...out comes the boob for 20 or 30 minutes, change the diaper again, pray that when he spits up that he misses himself and gets it on the burpy towel...nope he's puked all over you, now you have to get changed...you get the picture.

I now understand why it takes parents 2 hours to get ready to go out for 2 hour excursion! You know, this is not 'hard' at all. It's simply exhausting - you are not in control, your time is no longer yours, you are at the complete mercy of the little dude. For me, a true type 'A' personality it's the lack of control that is hard.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally in love with the little dude. I am however looking forward to the days when he is more than just a breast suckling, diaper dirtying, sleeping, crying machine - there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Christopher is 3 weeks old tomorrow. That means that we're half way through the roughest of the adjustment period...my reward? Christopher is starting focus on my face when he looks at me & he is often smiling when he does look at me, that just melts my heart.